This Is How Much I Love You
by BTRDreams
Summary: 4 Chapter Jagan story.   James has some problems he is not talking about. Also he is in love with his best friend, Logan...   I know the summery sucks, but just give it a try! :
1. Especially Me

**THIS IS HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU**

**Chapter 1 - Especially Me**

Logan bust the door open, ran through the hallway, ran through the living room, just ran. Finally reached the stairs, jumped them up, taking two with one step, ran till he reached the room he desperately wanted to reach. Pulled the door open, startled, then fell to the floor. Fell down and felt hot tears running down his cheek. No. No. Why?  
>He felt nothing but pain. He screamed. His heart screamed, his soul screamed, his mind screamed. Logan screamed. How? And why? Just why now? After all this!<br>He cried as he pulled the dead body into his arms. Hard sobs were shaking him when he looked down at the face of the corpse. Tears were dropping down his face, gently touching James' dead body.

_A few days earlier_

'So… It's over between you and Camille?', James asked slowly, looking at Logan who was sitting on his bed, crying a bit.  
>He nodded. 'I'm so sorry!', James said in a low voice. He had known Logan for ages, since they were in kindergarten, but he had never seen him cry before. Logan sobbed a bit, then took a deep breath, wiped away the tears and said: 'It's alright! I have no idea why I'm crying anyways… It's not really because of Camille… It's more because of the fact that nobody ever likes me enough to stay with me for a long time… It's all my fault…'<p>

James hit Logan. Immediately he felt sorry, but he simply couldn't believe how stupid Logan could be sometimes.  
>'What the hell are you talking about? You always think it's your fault! It's never your fault! How can you even say this, how can you even think this? So of course it's all your fault that Camille is a bitch and cheated on you! Of course it's your fault that you broke up with Camille, because you walked on her kissing some weird guy! I mean, of course it's your fault, because if you've never opened the door you wouldn't know! Logan, please stop it! It's not your fault that Camille is a huge ass bitch! So shut the fuck up!'<br>James regret it. Why did he have to scream? Maybe just because he was angry. Angry at Logan for thinking it was his fault, angry at Camille for breaking Logan's heart, angry at himself, for still not telling Logan that he deserved so much more. And that James himself could be this so much more. Yes, James was also angry at himself, because he still didn't have the guts to tell his friend how he felt, that he loved him, loved him endlessly.

Another tear was dropping down Logan's face. He hated screaming. He never screamed at anybody and he hated to be screamed at. It hurt him.  
>James sighed and fell on his knees in front of Logan. 'Listen, I'm sorry! It just hurts me to see you hurt and it hurts me and it makes me so angry that you always think it's your fault! It's never your fault! Never!' James whispered it and he put a hand on Logan's cheek, wiping the tear away he had caused. 'S'alright', Logan sniffed, looking into James' eyes. 'I know you didn't mean to… It's just easy to say that for someone who has never experienced hate and who had never been rejected…'<p>

It hurt. It hurt James twice. Yes, he had experienced hate, maybe the most hate any of the BTR band members had gotten. The difference was that he didn't show how much all this hate bothered him. He always tried to act cool about it when he was with his friends, but in reality it hurt him a lot. It hurt him so much that he cried himself to sleep some nights. James simply couldn't handle hate.  
>And yes, he had been rejected. Maybe not by all those meaningless girls, but he had been rejected by the love of his life, by Logan Mitchell. Logan might didn't know it, nobody might know it, but hell yes, James had been rejected since years, always by the same person, always by Logan. Just another reason why he cried at night.<p>

James sighed, still refused to answer anything back. He simply couldn't. He couldn't tell Logan how he really felt, either way, so he just decided to ignore Logan's last sentence, instead to sit down beside of him, put his arm around his shoulder and say: 'Just know that a lot of people think that you are amazing!' He blushed and continued the sentence in his thoughts: 'Especially me!'  
>'Just know that a lot of people like you enough to want to spend their entire life with you!', James said and looked at Logan. 'Especially me!', he continued in his mind.<br>'Logan, just know that a lot of people love you!', James said. 'Especially me!', he thought.

[A/N]

Soooo? What ya think? I know the chapter was rather short... btw: The story has 4 chapters! Post the next one as soon as possible! :) Hope you like it so far! :D


	2. You Are The Reason Why

**Chapter Two – You Are The Reason Why**

James was crying. He sat on his bed, in front of his laptop. He was reading through comments on one of their interview-videos on YouTube.

_OMG I simply love BTR! Well, except of James – he's so gay!_  
><em>James is so ugly!<em>  
><em>I hope James dies soon and in pain!<em>  
><em>my order: 1) Kendall – he's sooo hot! 2) Logan – he's really cute! 3) Carlos – so funny! 4) James – I don't like him at all!<em>  
><em>James is so stupid! He thinks he's all pretty, tho he isn't even close to!<em>  
><em>James should kill himself!<em>

He never said he was pretty and he definitely didn't think so either. Maybe he was gay, he wasn't entirely sure. He was sure though that he was in love with Logan.  
>But what made them say that he should die in pain? If they didn't like him, fine! But why wish him death? Why say that he should kill himself? What for? Because he was ugly? Because everyone hated him? Because he would never get what he really wanted – Logan? Just why? Maybe James <em>should<em> kill himself. Maybe it would make the world better. They wouldn't even miss him, might wouldn't even realize he's gone. But it certainly would make all this pain stop. This pain of being hated, this pain of not being loved back.

James opened the Twitter page and logged in. What he needed right now was some love. He clicked on the little button that said 'Mentions'

_And yes, I'm proud to be a BTR hater! Especially James sucks! Hear that jamesdiamond? I hate you!_

Yes, James heard it and it broke his heart. It was the first mention on the list, written by someone with the username IhateJamesD. Great. More tears were running down his cheek, blurring the monitor. He wasn't able to read more tweets. Instead he tweeted something himself, not needing to look at the keyboard. His fingers were running over it, pressing the letters, before sending the tweet.  
>He was still crying when he closed his Laptop and stood up.<br>_They always tell u 2b strong in ur life, no matter what- I was 1 of em too, until I realized that sometimes there's simply just one way out…_

He was going through his tweet over and over again. Stupid 140 characters. It made all tweets look stupid, trying to make them short enough to fit. He didn't exactly tell them what he was about to do, but he did gave them the chance to know why when they read about it the next day.

Logan knew he had to find him. He ran. He ran up the stairs and pushed the door of James' bedroom open. He found James standing on a chair with a string in his hand, about to fix it on the lamp hanging above his head.  
>Logan knew what he had to do. He ran towards James and pushed him off the chair. He was still holding the rope when he crashed on the floor.<p>

'Dude! What the heck?' James jumped up, screaming at Logan in a loud voice, which was shaking a bit.  
>'I should say that to you! WHAT THE HECK!', Logan was screaming, for the first time ever. 'You were trying to kill yourself!'<br>'No I wasn't…', James mumbled. 'YEAH YOU WERE!', Logan screamed back angrily.  
>James hated to cry when somebody saw him, but he couldn't stop the tears that were running down his chin right now, he couldn't stop the sobs that were shaking him. He covered his face with his hands and screamed trough his fingers: 'Just leave me alone!' Logan was making it all worse. It wasn't only hate that had driven James to do what he was just interrupted from…<p>

'No', Logan whispered, getting up. He couldn't really stand straight up, he was shaking too much, still shocked. 'I won't leave you alone! Not right now…' He looked at James, still worried and hurt. How could he. How could James do this? A tear gently ran down Logan's cheek as he realized how close he had gotten to lose James.  
>'Why?', he managed to ask, trying to stop his shaking.<br>James didn't look like he was going to answer this, didn't look like he even completely knew it himself. Although James knew exactly why, he couldn't tell Logan. Not everything. Not the entire truth.

'Nobody likes me…',he whispered through his tears, ashamed.  
>Logan started shaking even more when James' broken voice said that sentence he was keeping inside of him for so long. Logan came a step closer. 'What? How can you possibly say that James!', Logan screamed. James just shook his head and sobbed, so Logan continued, trying to calm down a bit. 'Don't you know how much your fans love you? How much your family loves you? How much your friends love you? How much the boys love you? How much <em>I<em> love you?'  
>Logan shook his head in disbelief. Not James. Not him. James never mentioned that he felt like that. He was getting love from everyone!<p>

James shook his head. 'No, I don't…' Tears were still running down the tall boy's face like rivers. James looked to the ground. No, he honestly didn't.  
>Logan's heart was broken. 'You don't think we love you?', he asked, pushing one more tear out of the corners of his eyes.<br>'No…', James whispered, feeling like a sword was pushed right into his heart.

Logan could feel the pain in James' voice and he couldn't stop it. He also couldn't stop what happened next – he simply had been hiding it for too long. So he took a few steps, till he was just a few inches away from James, from his friend, from his hurt friend, from his friend who thought they didn't love him, who thought that _he_ didn't love him.  
>Logan took James' face in his hands, pulled him close and pressed their lips together.<br>Their kiss lasted for a few seconds before Logan pulled away. 'This is how much I love you!', he whispered, more tears running down his own face now.

'I… What?', James stuttered. Both of their shirts were already wet from crying. 'I love you!', Logan whispered, looking into James' eyes. Hurt.  
>'Never do this again to me! Never let me read a tweet like that again. Never! James, do you even realize how much it would have hurt me to lose you?' Logan was crying really hard now. 'I… I…', he sobbed, but James just pulled him into a gentle and soft kiss.<br>Logan was surprised when they broke apart. He looked confused, but his tears had almost stopped. James hugged him. 'Don't cry. Not because of me! I'm not worth it! It kills me to see you cry!'  
>'No, you almost killed yourself! How could you?', now tears were shaking Logan's body again, when pictures of the dead James came into his mind. He tried to shake them off, but he couldn't.<br>'The truth?', James asked, sitting down on his bed, sighing. 'The truth!', Logan said, taking place beside of him.  
>'I have two reasons. One: I was either getting hate from people or they didn't even care about me at all lately. I may have never talked about it, but it killed me inside. And two, maybe the even more important thing, maybe the thing that gave me that little push I needed to do what I was about to do… So number two would be… You…' James blushed and looked to the ground, avoiding Logan's shocked expression. 'Me?', Logan said unbelieving, his voice shaking. 'You', James confirmed and forced himself to look into Logan's eyes.<br>'But…', Logan started, when James put his finger on Logan's lips and interrupted him: 'You are the reason why I cry at night, you are the reason why I can't focus on school. You are the reason why I didn't have a girlfriend for such a long time. You are the reason why my heart begins to beat faster, you are the reason why I smile though I'm hurt. You are the reason why I wake up in the morning and am happy to get up. You are the reason why I know what true love feels like. But still, you are the reason why I didn't want to live anymore… Because you would never love me back, because I could never possibly get the only thing I always wanted. Because I could never possibly get you!'

Logan thought about it all and tried to process all those things James had just said. 'But it doesn't matter anymore!', Logan finally replied, after letting James wait for hours as it seemed. 'It doesn't matter anymore, because I love you too! I always have! And now I don't have to worry anymore either! Because you love me as well!'  
>James hesitated. 'So you really meant it? What you said? The kiss?' 'Every single word, every single touch, every single second of the kiss. I love you James Diamond, you are the only person I've ever truly loved! I honestly love you from the bottom of my heart and will until I die.'<p>

James leaned in and their lips touched softly. People might think James always got what he wanted. The hottest girls, good looks, fame. But finally, and for the first time in his life, James really did get what he always wanted. True love from Logan Mitchell.

[A/N]

Sooo what did ya guys think? :) Chapter was a bit longer this time and of course the story could end right now, but nope, not right now, it has two more chapters and it gets more dramatic in the next one and really intense in the last one! :P  
>So stay tuned and let me know what you think so far! :)<p> 


	3. I Miss You Already

**Chapter Three – I miss you already**

_Hey Honey! Lunch 2day at my place? Love - J xoxo_

Logan smiled as he felt his phone vibrate and saw that it was a text from his boyfriend. They've only been together since yesterday afternoon, but both of them had deeper feelings for each other since quite a long time, so they skipped all this dating-thing and directly moved on to being a couple. They had lied in each other's arms a long time yesterday, speaking about everything that had to be spoken about. They both cried several times, before kissing each other again. Finally, few minutes before midnight, Logan had decided to drive home. He didn't want to rush things, so he left James before they would sleep with each other and then regret it afterwards. Logan wanted to make everything right this time and they got their whole lives before them anyways. So much more opportunities to do whatever they wanted to. Logan sighed as he replied.

_Yeah, sure! When should I b over at urs? –Logan_

He leaned back in his bed. He couldn't lie; he already missed James. Nobody could blame him though. He had waited such a long time to finally kiss him, but he would have never dared to think that James would kiss him back, would feel the same about him, would love him too.  
>He startled as his phone vibrated again and interrupted his thoughts about the last day.<p>

_Let's say 1pm, alright? S'gonna b hard 2 wait till then tho… I miss you already!_

Logan smiled.

_yeah, sounds way too long! But wait till I get there! Waiting will b worth it ;) Miss ya too baby! Can't wait to feel ya body again!_

He was about to shower and get ready for his 'date' with James when he got another text.

_sounds promising ;) Can't wait to pick up where we left of yesterday night! Honey, I love you!_

_I love you too!_

Logan sighed one more time, before putting his cellphone aside and slipping his clothes off, then feeling the warm water on his skin and his muscles relax. He closed his eyes, enjoying every single water drop. He smiled thinking of James, before getting out of the shower, drying his body, styling his hair, dressing up and finally jumping into his car, heading to his boyfriend's place.

Meanwhile James was setting the whole place up. He cooked Logan's favorite meal and he put rose pedals on the dinner table, surrounded by a few candles. James had always been a romantic guy, and now he finally got the chance to show the person he loved, the person he trusted, Logan Mitchell. He sighed. He truly had never been so madly in love. He went upstairs to his room to change clothes, when he looked out of his window and saw her. Camille.  
>He felt anger getting stronger inside of him. How did she dare to show up here? After all what she had done!<br>He startled when he saw a car pull up in front of his house. Logan's car.

Logan was happy, thinking about his boyfriend, when he got out. His happiness didn't last too long though, when he realized whom he was facing.

'Camille!', Logan gasped. 'What are you doing here?'  
>She looked surprised, but happy to see Logan. 'I wanted to talk to James, ask him if he knew where you was! I couldn't find you!' Logan gasped one more time, getting angry.<br>'Because I wanted to explain! It wasn't what it looked like! I was rehearsing for a role when you came into my room!' 'But…', Logan stuttered. 'That's not an excuse for kissing that guy!'  
>She sighed, stepping a bit closer. 'I know and I'm sorry! I should have never kissed him! I got caught up in the moment! Truth is I want you back! More than anything!' Logan couldn't stop her, she was too fast. She pulled him close and pressed her lips against his.<p>

James gasped, watching Camille and Logan kiss through his window. How could Logan do this! How could he break his heart like this. James fell on his bed. He didn't need to see more. His heart was torn apart inside. More than it had ever been. Now it really was broken.

Logan pulled away, about to scream at her,when he felt his phone vibrating. 'What?', he screamed into it after picking up, letting all his anger out, not even noticing who called. 'Oh, no need to get mad! I'm sorry I interrupted you two love birds!' 'James!', Logan gasped. 'It's not what it looked like! She…' but Logan didn't get the chance to finish his sentence. 'I can't believe you did this to me! I trusted you Logan! How could you? But how could I even think you meant it… How could I be as dumb as you obviously thought I would be anyways and believe you'd feel the same…But don't worry Logan, I won't get in your way anymore! Not anymore… Good Bye!'

'No, James, don't!', Logan screamed, but James had already hung up. He ran towards the house, ignoring Camille's confused screams. James. James was all that was on his mind right now. James. He had to find him.

Logan bust the door open, ran through the hallway, ran through the living room, just ran. Finally reached the stairs, jumped them up, taking two with one step, ran till he reached the room he desperately wanted to reach. Pulled the door open, startled, then fell to the floor. Fell down and felt hot tears running down his cheek. No. No. Why?  
>He felt nothing but pain. He screamed. His heart screamed, his soul screamed, his mind screamed. Logan screamed. How? And why?Just why now? After all this!<p>

He cried as he pulled the dead body into his arms. Hard sobs were shaking him when he looked down at the face of the corpse. Tears were dropping down his face, gently touching James' dead body.  
>Hard sobs were shaking Logan's body, tears kept dropping off his own face and landed on James'. There was blood.A lot of blood. It was too late. Logan would have called a doctor, but he knew it was too late. James didn't have a pulse anymore. How could he. How could a human body have a pulse after getting a bullet right into its heart?<p>

Logan couldn't believe it. He didn't want to believe it. Not James. Not now. Just not him, just not now. He placed a kiss on James' lips. They were still warm.  
>He slightly shook James' body as if he wanted to wake him up, still unable to believe that this was real. Logan closed his eyes. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was just a nightmare and he would wake up every second. But no. Logan didn't wake up. This was reality.<br>He screamed in pain. James. Not him.  
>Logan reached out and closed his boyfriend's eyes. It looked like he was sleeping. If there wasn't this huge amount of blood.<br>Logan placed a short kiss on James' forehead, both of his hands running through his beautiful long hair. He knew it would be the last time he could feel him, before he had to let him go forever. He took a deep breath, trying to calm down.  
>A single tear was running down Logan's cheek as he came closer to James, placed a last sweet kiss on his lips, stroke his forehead slowly and whispered: 'I love you! - I miss you already!'<p>

[A/N]

OMG! :O But see, way more drama in this one! :) Excited to post the last chapter soon! :)  
>But till then: What do you think of my story and of this chapter so far? Hope you don't hate me for killing James... I kinda hate myself for doing it anyways... But that's me... I just love writing stories in which people die... So I hope you liked it nevertheless and that you forgive me! :)<p> 


	4. Memories Aren't Enough

**Chapter Four – Memories Aren't Enough**

Logan Mitchell sighed and enjoyed the weak and last fall-sunshines that were stroking his skin softly. He opened his eyes and let his look ran around his garden. They stopped at the sight of his beautiful wife Carol and the little kid she was playing with, his son James.

Logan closed his eyes again. James. He sighed. A lot of years had passed since the days of Big Time Rush, since the days he spent with his three friends from Minnesota. And a lot of years had passed since the day he lost the most important person of his life. Logan wouldn't lie – he never stopped thinking about James Diamond. He was 39 now, going 40 at the end of this month, and still he couldn't forget him. They were sixteen, so young, but still Logan had never felt more for anybody else in his life.

And still he hadn't.

He sighed again. Nobody ever found out about that thing that was going on between him and James, and nobody even anticipated it. Both of them weren't gay after all, but still they both couldn't deny that they loved, yes truly loved each other. Logan hadn't told anybody about _them _for no apparent reason. Maybe just because he was afraid he would lose it and cry for hours, even longer than he would anyways, when he would reveal his deep feelings for the tall, good-looking guy.

No, it was their secret. Nobody had to know about it. It wasn't that Logan was ashamed, no, quite the contraire actually… But still he wanted this little left memory to be his own, and his own alone. Just his and James' – forever just theirs!

A little wind stroked his skin. He shivered. He thought of James. His sweet James. He wondered how he was doing. And he wondered if he already found out the truth, that Logan never really loved Camille, always just James and that this day he didn't want to kiss anyone else but James. _His _James.

Also he wondered if James had forgiven him for even making him consider that he would cheat on him.

Logan surely had forgiven James for ending their relationship when it just started to happen. At least Logan wasn't afraid of death anymore. Now he would be happy to die, if this meant he could finally see James again. See _his_ James again.

Logan laughed when memories came to his mind, memories of James freaking out about his hair, memories about James smelling like Cuda Man Spray, memories of James laughing his heart out.

Logan loved those memories. Although it always hurt a bit being reminded of James, he enjoyed the fact that he still hadn't forgotten him, still knew what every single inch of him looked like, still had all those memories.

Logan couldn't help but smile as he felt a short pain in his breast. He had cancer. Hadn't that much time left to live, probably one more year, if things were going great. He smiled because he thought it was destiny. He wouldn't want to spend any longer here without James. Without _his_ James.

Because after all, memories aren't enough.

[A/N]

Bam bam bam! Finally there it is, the last chapter of This Is How Much I Love You.

I hope you enjoyed reading, even though it was rather sad... See you soon! :)


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